This is a great, great piece, Nikki! It's something I think about and struggle with as well raising a 10-year-old son (who also makes me watch him do cool stuff in Fortnite.) I sometimes feel like when I try to raise up women, he feels like I'm putting down men or as your son says, "blaming him for something that happened before he was born." I also have no idea what I''m doing 99% of the time, but I really love and appreciate how you approach feminism with your son. (Also you hair does look really great in that picture!)
Whoa. You just snuck yourself into my brain and wrote all the feelings I’ve had over the last almost-14 years with my own kid. Can’t subscribe fast enough!
Please don't take this statement as trolling, I swear I mean it in good faith. This piece is interesting insofar as I was raised by a 70's style feminist and turned into a sexist pig (I mean this as a term of art more than an exact description, I think my opinions at length might be considered somewhat more subtle). I'm actually trying to think of advice for how to avoid raising me :). And of course this is hard because it's not like I don't believe what I believe now. Also as a functional matter I grew up pre internet so I don't really know how to navigate that aspect.
I think your fears of drowning the kid in feminist plolitics are reasonable. I can tell you my mom's old stack of "Ms." magazines, which I plowed through as a pre-interent voracious reader, didn't, uh, move the ball down the field towards feminism for me, you might say. I'd say do what you can to make sure female friends continue past elementary school. Non adult, non family women are probably important. And I'm not sure how a mom makes sure their kid has a girlfriend, but I think him having one is probably better, for your purposes, than not.
But it's good that you seem determined not to let his politics come between you, whatever may come. That's good. I'm pretty close to my mom. So I might be a patriarchal scumbag but we still hang out a lot. And ultimately that's what's important for you and him.
Also Alex P. Keaton was kind of a hero of mine. So take that as you will ;)
Amos, I really appreciate your taking the time to read the piece and comment, and I honestly appreciate your perspective. I've heard from lots of progressive moms on this, but not so much from more conservative men, so it's nice to hear your experience. I love to hear that you're close with your mom -- as you said, that's what's important at the end of the day. Also, I should have made it more clear that I kind of adored Alex P Keaton. I think he was my first crush. :)
As the mom of a 17 year old feminist son I’ll offer that the thing I believe matters the most is the way he treats YOU. I never let my son talk back to me. There were a couple of times as he got older that I needed to remind him who was providing the things he enjoyed and how hard I worked and that I would not tolerate even a smidge of disrespect, but I can only think of two times I needed to do that. Make sure he is doing his fair share of household duties and certainly by 12/13 he should be able to throw in a load of laundry, help clear dishes and do them on a regular basis, pitch in around the house without being asked, make his own bed, take out the garbage before it’s overflowing. These things might seem meaningless but I’m pretty sure they aren’t. Also as your boys get bigger of course you need to talk about consent. I did the single mom thing for 8 years and I did the sex talk etc. Frankly I think women are better suited to teach boys about women’s bodies (unless they’re gay in which case maybe dad or dad-like figures are better). All of these things together seemed to work out pretty well around here. My son is in a feminist literature class he elected to take this year and we have great conversations about the books he’s reading. He also has a younger sister he adores. But I think it comes down to what is happening at home a lot more than anything else that’s conceptual. Hope that helps!
AMAZING. Thank you for sharing this! I love so much that your son is taking a feminist literature class -- he sounds like an awesome kid. Great job at momming him!! ❤️
I mean, for whatever it’s worth of course! I don’t think there’s a formula really but I’m just a few years ahead of you and so far I just love the way my kid is in the world. He had a girlfriend he treated the way we all want to be treated. So I’m just going off the evidence I see but I’m no expert! I have been shocked by the way some of my very smart, feminist, forward-thinking gfs let their sons talk to them so that’s what inspired my response :) I think the fact that you’re thinking about all this means you’re doing great 😊💪🏼❤️
This is a great, great piece, Nikki! It's something I think about and struggle with as well raising a 10-year-old son (who also makes me watch him do cool stuff in Fortnite.) I sometimes feel like when I try to raise up women, he feels like I'm putting down men or as your son says, "blaming him for something that happened before he was born." I also have no idea what I''m doing 99% of the time, but I really love and appreciate how you approach feminism with your son. (Also you hair does look really great in that picture!)
Thank you so much, Shellly! Yes, it's so hard, isn't it?? These boys ❤️
Whoa. You just snuck yourself into my brain and wrote all the feelings I’ve had over the last almost-14 years with my own kid. Can’t subscribe fast enough!
So glad I’m not alone! Thanks so much for subscribing! 💛
Best subheading ever (and great piece)!
Thank you so much!! ❤️
The conversation that you were able to have with your son at that age is kind of amazing, so take that as a good sign for things to come.
He's a chatty little guy when he wants to be. :)
Please don't take this statement as trolling, I swear I mean it in good faith. This piece is interesting insofar as I was raised by a 70's style feminist and turned into a sexist pig (I mean this as a term of art more than an exact description, I think my opinions at length might be considered somewhat more subtle). I'm actually trying to think of advice for how to avoid raising me :). And of course this is hard because it's not like I don't believe what I believe now. Also as a functional matter I grew up pre internet so I don't really know how to navigate that aspect.
I think your fears of drowning the kid in feminist plolitics are reasonable. I can tell you my mom's old stack of "Ms." magazines, which I plowed through as a pre-interent voracious reader, didn't, uh, move the ball down the field towards feminism for me, you might say. I'd say do what you can to make sure female friends continue past elementary school. Non adult, non family women are probably important. And I'm not sure how a mom makes sure their kid has a girlfriend, but I think him having one is probably better, for your purposes, than not.
But it's good that you seem determined not to let his politics come between you, whatever may come. That's good. I'm pretty close to my mom. So I might be a patriarchal scumbag but we still hang out a lot. And ultimately that's what's important for you and him.
Also Alex P. Keaton was kind of a hero of mine. So take that as you will ;)
Amos, I really appreciate your taking the time to read the piece and comment, and I honestly appreciate your perspective. I've heard from lots of progressive moms on this, but not so much from more conservative men, so it's nice to hear your experience. I love to hear that you're close with your mom -- as you said, that's what's important at the end of the day. Also, I should have made it more clear that I kind of adored Alex P Keaton. I think he was my first crush. :)
As the mom of a 17 year old feminist son I’ll offer that the thing I believe matters the most is the way he treats YOU. I never let my son talk back to me. There were a couple of times as he got older that I needed to remind him who was providing the things he enjoyed and how hard I worked and that I would not tolerate even a smidge of disrespect, but I can only think of two times I needed to do that. Make sure he is doing his fair share of household duties and certainly by 12/13 he should be able to throw in a load of laundry, help clear dishes and do them on a regular basis, pitch in around the house without being asked, make his own bed, take out the garbage before it’s overflowing. These things might seem meaningless but I’m pretty sure they aren’t. Also as your boys get bigger of course you need to talk about consent. I did the single mom thing for 8 years and I did the sex talk etc. Frankly I think women are better suited to teach boys about women’s bodies (unless they’re gay in which case maybe dad or dad-like figures are better). All of these things together seemed to work out pretty well around here. My son is in a feminist literature class he elected to take this year and we have great conversations about the books he’s reading. He also has a younger sister he adores. But I think it comes down to what is happening at home a lot more than anything else that’s conceptual. Hope that helps!
AMAZING. Thank you for sharing this! I love so much that your son is taking a feminist literature class -- he sounds like an awesome kid. Great job at momming him!! ❤️
I mean, for whatever it’s worth of course! I don’t think there’s a formula really but I’m just a few years ahead of you and so far I just love the way my kid is in the world. He had a girlfriend he treated the way we all want to be treated. So I’m just going off the evidence I see but I’m no expert! I have been shocked by the way some of my very smart, feminist, forward-thinking gfs let their sons talk to them so that’s what inspired my response :) I think the fact that you’re thinking about all this means you’re doing great 😊💪🏼❤️
🤞🤞
My mom raised me as a feminist for which I am forever grateful.